Divorce is a loss: support your children through the grief process
Actively listen to your child
Be honest
Explore their thoughts
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Divorce… What About the Children?
I am getting divorced. This was NEVER my plan. What do I do to help my children cope with the change?
If you are asking yourself these questions, you are going through one of the most painful and difficult experiences for any parent and their children. As with any loss, there are stages of grief that you and your children will experience, including denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Regardless of the ages of your children, they may initially deny that the divorce is happening. They may be angry at one or both parents for forcing this change on them. They may try to bargain: If I am good and clean up all my toys, maybe Mom and Dad will get back together. Another stage is depression. This is natural when dealing with a loss or major change. However, if this stage lasts too long or the child cannot function in everyday tasks, it is time to seek professional help. How we handle the divorce will help our children accept the change in their family and forge new relationships with both parents.
With a divorce you are losing not just a marriage but a family lifestyle. The stages of grief are natural and cannot be avoided. Members of the family, including the extended family, will handle the loss in their own way at their own pace. Divorce feels very different for children than it does for parents; it will affect children differently and varies depending on the children’s ages.
You cannot protect your children from the pain of divorce. However, parents can support, nurture and love their children through the divorce process. There are strategies that will support your children. Actively listen to your children. Avoid blaming the divorce on your children or your ex-partner. Accept your children’s feelings as being real -- whatever they are -- even if you do not approve of what they are saying. Listen with an open mind to learn more about your children’s feelings. Be honest with them about what is going on; if you are going to move, let them know. If you don’t know what will happen, say so. Explore your children’s thoughts. Be emotionally available to your children -- don’t use the cell phone or computer when they are speaking with you. Respect your children’s need to be with both parents. Do not bring the children into the battle between the parents. This causes exceptional emotional conflict for the children. The divorce is between you and your ex-partner; it does not affect how you feel about your children.
During the divorce children’s primary emotions are fear and a need for love. They may wonder: Will my parents still love me? Will I have to move? Will we have enough money? Frequently let your children know that you love them.
As the divorce becomes final, take the opportunity to re-define your vision of your family. As a single parent, you will have new practical and emotional parenting challenges. Make sure that you get the support you need and always take care of yourself. Remember that children learn by example -- you are modeling the self-care behavior you want your children to adopt.
You will need to establish a parenting plan for your children, ideally with the involvement of your ex-partner. Establish a system for negotiating schedules, for dealing with differences in your parenting styles, and for maintaining relationships with the extended family.
When children of divorce receive the support of the adults in their lives they will become successful, capable, caring adults. Remember that you already have the most important skills you need to be an effective single parent: your love for your children, the wisdom you have gained from experience, and your intuition about what is best for your family.
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